I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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