Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
