Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
