I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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