so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
