The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
