How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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