i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
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Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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