You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I want a musical about memes.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
