i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
