apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
