i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
