if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
