Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
