Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
