you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
