I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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