We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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