Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
