i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
