Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
