I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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