Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
