I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
