Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
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its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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