My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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