I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
