And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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