News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
