there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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