I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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