We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
