Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
