it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
