anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We left the knife in your bed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
