I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
