So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
