i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
