im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I am spending my child support on dildos
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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