I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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