apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
