Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize