The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
