haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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