Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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