So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
