can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
