so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
