He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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