4 words: hood of his car
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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