I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
