I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
