i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Four minutes until I can fart!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
