I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
