Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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