It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
