The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
