Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
