Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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