i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
